1. On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word: he took me for a meal, got completely legless and on the way home crashed into a concrete pillar at 120mph, trying to kill me instantly.
Mrs B. Essex.

2. The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
John Sampson, Southampton.

3. If Eastenders is so true to life, how come none of the loveable Cockney characters are Man. Utd. supporters?
P. Sullivan, Birkenhead.

4. They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
D Evans, London.

5. If smoking is bad for you, how come it cures salmon?
Stalker, Bournemouth.

6. Why does Frank Bruno get a gong just because he's good at hitting people? I'm brilliant at it , but the most I've ever got is 200 hours community service.
A Woodward, Sheffield.

7. They say good manners cost you nothing. Rubbish! I sent my daughter to finishing school and it cost me twenty bloody grand.
J Morgan, Wigan.

8. If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for it's contribution to astrophysics?
Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham.

9. In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century.
Martin Harwood, Bradford.

10. These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Tim Wakefield, Surrey.

11. We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and beggared off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
George Nisbet.

12. Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Werner Hoffman, Munich.

13. I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (in any weather, mind you) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
B Bollockbrain, Braintree.

14. Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
M Duckworth, dipperse.