Read this selection of football teams and the women they are most like. Read on…

Arsenal - Angelina Jolie Looks good, a bit maverick at times and you know they have the potential to really screw you over

Aston Villa - Dido One big hit. Fairly inoffensive really

Birmingham City - Mariah Carey Occasionally interesting, frequently annoying. Supporters are thick

Blackburn Rovers - Melanie Sykes Common as muck Lancy, constantly worrying.

Bolton Wanderers - Natalie Imbruglia Always looks like she might go down but never does

Charlton Athletic - Martine McCutcheon Chirpy Cockney with the ability to spring a few surprises

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens Every bit looks good from all angles. But what is she doing with that prick

Everton - Barbara Windsor Been laughing at those t*ts so long we forget that once upon a time they actually looked quite good

Fulham - Andrea Corr Not bad to look at but not much of her. Seems a bit awestruck with fame

Leicester City - Patsy Palmer Generally a bit crap and second rate really, but some people like her

Leeds United - Lisa Scott Lee Dirty Lee

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis Bextor Individually all the components look fantastic - just doesn’t work when put together.

Man City - Madonna Have been big at times - now lost the plot a bit - ageing stars. Nice new home though

Man United - Jordan Dominated by t*ts. Screwed by Dwight Yorke. Quite repulsive really

Middlesborough - Tara Palmer Tompkinson Can look quite good at the back - but nothing at all up front to speak of.

Newcastle United - Christina Aguillera Can look good. Various unsavoury elements though.

Portsmouth - Chrissie Hynde On the face of it a has-been but you’re quite interested in what she’s going to do next

Southampton - Kylie Minogue Sometimes you feel sorry for them, they’re not huge and you’ve got a bit of a soft spot.

Tottenham - Joan Collins Used to look good, but living on past glories.