Newcastle United want to sign Thierry Henry, if today's papers are anything to go by.

And Early Doors wants to ride a unicorn through the centre of Hounslow without local chavs attempting to nick its horn, but that isn't going to happen either.

While the Toon Army whip themselves into a frenzy, Henry takes a somewhat different view: "There's only one team in England for me. Everybody knows the love and affection I have for Arsenal."

What is it about so-called 'massive' clubs like Newcastle and Spurs that makes them think they have any chance of pulling this kind of thing off?

What makes them ignore bitter experience in favour of such naïve optimism (and no, Michael 'Damaged Goods' Owen doesn't count)?

Look at Manchester City's obviously fruitless pursuit of Ronaldinho. It is an agent's dream. They have loads of cash and ideas above their station - the perfect stooges to drive up the eventual price paid by Milan or Inter.

It seems some clubs, like plankton attempting to take down a great white shark, refuse to accept their place on the food chain.

So, to help them out and save them the bother of fruitlessly chasing players who are out of their league, Early Doors has compiled a definitive Massive List.

Now for the science bit. Early Doors did an internet search for each team name followed by "massive club" and saw how many results it got.

The table makes happy reading for Rafa Benitez's summer war chest, while Reading crash into the Champions League places. Possibly because they share their name with a popular pastime and life skill.

As in real life, Newcastle find themselves in lower mid-table while Manchester City have their sights set on Europe.

But the real shock comes at the wrong end of the table, with a team that are linked with more unrealistic signings than any other languishing in the relegation zone.

Tottenham Hotspur are 19th, with just Derby between themselves and the bottom of the pile. No wonder Rivaldo opted for Milan and sent Glenn Hoddle a nice letter instead.

The Massive List

1- Liverpool: 12,400
2- Chelsea: 11,500
3- Arsenal: 11,100
4- Reading: 10,900
5- Everton: 10,200
6- Manchester United: 9,860
7- Manchester City: 7,730
8- West Ham 7,400
9- Portsmouth: 6,260
10- Fulham: 6,100
11- Newcastle United: 5,860
12- Middlesbrough: 5,750
13- Aston Villa: 4,890
14- Sunderland: 4,730
15- Blackburn Rovers: 4,170
16- Bolton Wanderers: 3,560
17- Birmingham City: 2,330
18- Wigan Athletic: 1,020
19- Tottenham Hotspur: 1,010
20- Derby County: 633

You REALLY don't like Newcastle do you Rach......guess the loss to them proper hurt

Fulham and Boro above us

"And Early Doors wants to ride a unicorn through the centre of Hounslow without local chavs attempting to nick its horn, but that isn't going to happen either."

Sorry, but what's so far fetched about that????? Have they never been to Hounslow????